A Letter to Myself on the First Day of the Nepali New Year
Looking back, I realize I am not the same person I was even six months ago. No man has ever influenced me as positively as Sanjay Sir.
There were times I liked someone, but my feelings were intense, unhealthy, and addictive—similar to what I experienced during college. I’ve had opportunities, and I’ve missed many that could have given me what I thought I wanted. I could have lived the carefree enjoyment of youth like others around me, but somehow, something always held me back. Even simple chances—like speaking to someone I saw daily—never turned into anything.
In another situation, I should have controlled my emotions better. I overreacted, and I regret it. Someone rejected me harshly and even made it public, which was something I had never experienced before. But realistically, she was just one person among billions, and clearly not the right one. Still, it felt like life keeps taking people away from me.
There were other missed moments too—opportunities to connect, to experience life differently—but I was either unavailable or held back. Sometimes it feels like things are taken away from me before I can reach them.
At times, I also think maybe it’s for the better. Not every path leads to something good, and maybe I was being protected from worse outcomes.
I know I did nothing wrong. I didn’t harm anyone, yet I feel judged as if I committed something serious. I don’t like being seen that way, especially when I know the truth.
Sanjay Sir has high expectations from me, and I’m not sure I can meet all of them. This is my final CAP2 attempt, and I’ve decided to focus seriously now. I’ve already given a lot, and now I’m studying daily with more discipline.
If I clear CAP2, it will be a huge relief. After that, I want to aim for becoming a Tax Officer. I’ve seen people achieve it—I believe I can too.
Last year, I pushed myself too hard, even sacrificing sleep. That’s not sustainable, and I won’t repeat it. I’ve learned that overworking without rest is not strength—it’s a mistake.
Now, I set a clear rule: if I don’t study at least six hours a day, I risk losing direction again. I’ve worked hard consistently, even if others didn’t always notice. But it’s true—no one can meet every expectation placed on them.
As this new year begins, I leave behind these burdens. I will improve my habits—fix my posture, maintain discipline, and take care of my responsibilities like repairing my bike on time. I will keep my emotions in control, especially at work. I’ll focus on completing tasks properly before starting new ones and communicate clearly with clients.
I also want to fix how I present myself—I may seem unreliable sometimes, but I know I am serious about my work. I need to show that better. At the same time, I won’t isolate myself—I’ll stay connected with friends and family.
I feel hesitant about starting new things, but maybe after exams, I can try something like sharing accounting knowledge online. I don’t know how everything will turn out, but I’ll keep moving forward.
Most importantly, I’ll focus on becoming financially stable and independent—so I never have to depend on others in ways that compromise my self-respect.
कुलो मिलाएर चलाऊ, राति खोलाको पानी छोडिदेऊ।
भित्र धेरै राख्न सकिन्दैन, भनेर बाहिर नदेखाउ।
तिमी कसका लागि बाँचेका छौ? बुबा, आमा र गुरु बाहेक तिम्रो अरू कोही छैन।
कुन कुरा अमृत हो र कुन विष हो छुट्याऊ—जसले पछि रुवाउँछ, त्यो अमृत हुन सक्दैन।
जुन काम समयमा पूरा गर्न सक्दैनौ, त्यो तिम्रो काम होइन।
स्पष्ट भनिदेऊ—अहिले मन दुख्ला, तर पछि धेरैको मन दुख्नु ठिक हैन।
जुन कुराले तिम्रो टाउको दुखाइरहेको छ, त्यसलाई अन्त्य गर।
त्यसपछि मात्रै अरू कुरा सोच र समाधान गर।
कसैलाई तिमी मन पर्दैन भने, किन आफूलाई जबर्जस्ती देखाइरहेका छौ?
कसैले तिमीबाट कारण खोजेको छैन, त्यसैले कारण दिनु आवश्यक छैन।
समयसँगै मानिस परिवर्तन हुन्छन्।
मानिसको शरीरभन्दा पनि छिट्टो उसको बानी, व्यवहार र सोच बदलिन्छ—
मन बदलिन्छ, र अन्ततः ऊ आफैं बदलिन्छ।
